Things Starfleet Officers Are Not Allowed To Do
by Aesop
Summary: Some rules need to be laid down more than once.  Sometimes they can't be stated often enough.  This is Starfleet's list.
1. Voyager

THINGS STARFLEET OFFICERS ARE NOT ALLOWED TO DO: VOYAGER

DISCLAIMER: I do not own the characters from any of the Star Trek series and I earn no profit in writing this

AUTHOR'S NOTE: Another list inspired by Skippy the list writer. I will do one chapter for each show.

Lieutenant Tom Paris had noticed the file when they had received the latest subspace 'mail call.' It had not been addressed to anyone in particular, but marked for inclusion on what was called, despite the archaic nature of the term, the 'bulletin board.' The section of computer memory set aside for general crew announcements.

The name of the file made him curious, as regulations were quite specific in most matters of protocol. There were, in fact, far too many for his liking. He opened the file and began to read. Evidently the list had been floating around for quite a while. There were a lot of entries. Most of them were common sense things that regs did indeed cover, but a few of them jumped out at him.

1. Q is NOT to be encouraged.

That made sense. _Voyager's_ encounters with the entity had not been fun.

2. The transporter is not a toy.

He thought back to every story of pranks involving that bit of technology he'd ever heard, one of which involved _Voyager's_ own first officer. Tom wondered if Chakotay still thought that that was a malfunction. He continued reading until another caught his eye.

3. Mission reports are not to begin with 'once upon a time.'

He could understand the urge; after all, he had had more than a few surreal missions himself.

3a. Or 'Long ago in a galaxy far away.'

_Huh_? Shaking his head, he moved on.

4. Sex with unfamiliar species is never a good idea.

Tom winced. That one could have been written with _Voyager_ in mind. Harry had glowed off and on for days after that incident.

5. Time travel is to be avoided at all costs, unless you were meant to get involved.

Tom thought about that briefly, but gave it up when he felt a headache coming on. The captain wasn't the only one who hated temporal mechanics. Speaking of time…he glanced at the chronometer. He only had a few minutes to get to the bridge for his shift.

OOOOOOOOOO

Harry opened the file he'd been perusing earlier and noted that it had been modified. Bringing up the newest entries, he winced when he saw one he was certain the Doctor had put in place.

6. Medical alerts are provided on each new planet we visit for a reason. If you are told not to eat the vegetables, don't order a salad for lunch.

Their chief engineer had, evidently, already seen it and gotten the reference to the incident. The next one read:

7. Modification of complicated systems and programs should be left to those trained for such work.

Harry couldn't blame 'Lana for being snippy. No doubt she was still angry over the Doctor's attempt to enhance his program.

Torres wasn't done, either. Harry knew there had been a row between the engineer and Seven of Nine earlier that day, but hadn't expected to see evidence of it here.

8. The Borg are NOT perfect.

And he really hadn't expected Seven to respond in kind.

9. Humans are less so.

This, Harry realized, could get ugly, and evidently the captain was of the same opinion.

10. The list is not to be used to carry on childish arguments.

NOT THE END


	2. TNG

THINGS STARFLEET OFFICERS ARE NOT ALLOWED TO DO: TNG

DISCLAIMER: I do not own the characters from any of the Star Trek series and I earn no profit in writing this

AUTHOR'S NOTE: Another list inspired by Skippy the list writer. I checked around and didn't find any entries like this at for Star Trek. I thought it time there was one. I want to do one for each show with specific rules related to incidents within the show. Feel free to send any suggestions. R&R.

"What are you doing?"

"Checking the list." Captain Picard didn't have to ask which list his CMO was referring to. It had become quite popular recently. The list had, of course, been floating around for years and it went through various forms and stages of development. It also went through periods of inactivity. This wasn't one of them. Apparently the cycle he'd seen three times before in his long career was going to repeat itself.

"Anything interesting?"

"These were added within the last week." She pointed out the recent additions.

11. Stop creating new sentient species.

"Wesley," Picard sighed.

"What makes you think it's about him?" Beverly asked defensively. "It was only added last week." She pointed at the stardate.

"Last week the Nanites applied for Federation membership."

"Oh."

To change the subject, she read further down the list.

12. Do not create new religions.

"I wonder who that one could be about?" she asked in a mock innocent tone.

"That was hardly my fault," Picard pointed out, slightly irritated at the reminder of the Mintakans. "And I'm not the only offender." He nodded to the addendum.

12a. Or meddle in existing ones.

"Sisko?" the doctor raised an eyebrow.

"Probably." They read on, nodding at some and smiling over others. Then they got to one that gave them both pause.

13. Beware assumptions when studying an alien legal system. Common sense laws do not mean common sense punishments.

"Wesley again," Picard sighed. "He made the list on his very first away mission. I think that's a record."

"Now THAT wasn't his fault," the over-protective mother answered.

"I know. We should have been more careful in studying their laws."

14. Do not answer your captain's orders with 'why?'

That was common sense, Picard thought, but apparently there were some who had issues with it.

14a. The engineering and science departments often need and are expected to ask why. They also need to ask when, how, and 'You want the ship to do _WHAT_?'

The two senior officers winced and shared long-suffering looks.

OOOOOOOOOO

Riker stared in consternation at one of the rules.

15. If you can't talk to them, don't shoot at them.

That incident with the Children had been a sore point between himself and the captain for a while.

16. Fraternization regulations exist for a reason, and are not strict enough. Think first.

"I'm starting to feel persecuted," he muttered aloud. A snicker from behind him caused him to turn quickly. Deanna smiled gently at him. "Not funny."

"Yes it is," she disagreed. Then she caught sight of the next one and stopped smiling.

17. Telepathic and/or empathic abilities are not to be abused.

"Now I'm feeling persecuted," she muttered. Riker repressed his smile with an effort.

18. Puns do not translate well. Don't.

"I wonder who inspired that one?" Deanna wondered.

"Swing a cat," Riker grimaced, remembering more than a few occasions when his attempts at humor had gotten lost in translation, and then grimaced again when Deanna stared at him blankly.

OOOOOOOOOO

19. April Fool's Day is not a recognized holiday. Its celebration is prohibited.

It took data a fraction of a second to pull up the reference from his memory banks. He had to agree with that one. Pranks were more a problem at the Academy than on starship duty, but he had fallen victim to a few during his career.

19a. No holiday should be celebrated, especially that one, without an understanding of what is involved.

Again, Data had to agree. 'Pranking' a Klingon, as one of his classmates at the Academy had learned, could have painful consequences.

20. Ethical debates have their place. On the bridge in the middle of a crisis is not it.

The android suspected that he was at least partially to blame for that one. He wondered which of the incidents he had been involved in had prompted it.

A/N: Number 19a is a reference to something that happened in an ST: TNG novel. It's a stretch to the rule I set for myself, but it fit well.

NOT THE END


	3. TOS

THINGS STARFLEET OFFICERS ARE NOT ALLOWED TO DO: TOS

DISCLAIMER: I do not own the characters from any of the Star Trek series and I earn no profit in writing this

AUTHOR'S NOTE: Another list inspired by Skippy the list writer. I checked around and didn't find any entries like this at for Star Trek. I thought it time there was one. I want to do one for each show with specific rules related to incidents within the show. Feel free to send any suggestions. R&R.

21. Shuttlecraft are not to be fed to alien war machines or hungry space going organisms. We have torpedoes for that sort of thing.

"I should have seen that one coming," Kirk muttered.

"The admiral was most displeased over the loss of three in less than two months, captain."

"All in a good cause, Spock. This was unnecessary."

"Is not the list rather… informal?"

"Not the point," his captain sighed. "Hmmm."

22. No Starfleet officer shall involve his captain in an alien ritual without explaining said ritual first.

"It seems I'm not the only one being picked on." Jim allowed himself a smirk.

"Indeed," his first officer replied, coming as close to displaying irritation as he ever did. "Captain, I could not have anticipated-"

"I know Spock. I never blamed you for that. I blamed your girl friend." He was rewarded with another near display of irritation.

23. Starfleet officers will not interfere in the natural development of alien civilizations, even if there is a beautiful female involved.

This time, his first officer looked almost amused instead of almost irritated. James Kirk sighed. "I'm definitely being picked on."

OOOOOOOOOO

24. Cordrazine is not a recreational drug. Do not self-administer.

McCoy scowled at the latest addition to 'that infernal list' as he often called it. It was unlikely that whoever had put that in knew about his jaunt back in time, as the very existence of the Guardian of Forever was highly classified, but that begged the question, what provoked the entry?

25. It is impossible to mind-meld with a machine, and you should not try.

He wasn't sure whether to chuckle or wince. That hadn't been pleasant for the _Enterprise's_ first officer, he knew, but the Vulcan really should have known better. The Vulcan had been forced to swallow his pride after meditation failed to alleviate the resulting headaches and come to sickbay for a remedy.

OOOOOOOOOO

26. Quarantine procedures are to be strictly observed with regard to unfamiliar species. It should not be assumed that civilians follow them.

Uhura sighed. Tribbles. The story was infamous by now and was probably going to become a 'textbook' case for Academy cadets to study and shake their heads over. She shoved that memory aside and got on with making her own entry. It wasn't a rule per se, but it was still true.

27. There is no such thing as a universal translator.

After resolving the third potential disaster related to the technology in as many missions, she had finally felt compelled to do something. It was a fine tool, but it wasn't fool proof, as some of the fools who used it kept proving.

OOOOOOOOOO

Chekov heartily agreed with the newest entry, although he would have never said as much to the captain.

28. A starship crew is not a pile of chips. Don't bet them in a game of chance.

29. The laws of physics ARE immutable. We just don't know them all.

He wondered what Commander Scott would say to that. Actually, Chekov realized, Scott might have written that. Some engineers, he knew, would have said cold starting a warp engine was impossible and not been able to get past that. The ship had a good crew. He looked at the next one and smiled. And a great captain.

30. There never was a Kobiashi Maru. Cheating is always an option.

NOT THE END


	4. DS9

THINGS STARFLEET OFFICERS ARE NOT ALLOWED TO DO: DS9

DISCLAIMER: I do not own the characters from any of the Star Trek series and I earn no profit in writing this

AUTHOR'S NOTE: Another list inspired by Skippy the list writer. I checked around and didn't find any entries like this at for Star Trek. I thought it time there was one. I want to do one for each show with specific rules related to incidents within the show. Feel free to send any suggestions. R&R.

It was not official. That much, Kira Nerise quickly determined. They were not actual regulations, although some of the entries did refer to or restate them. She read the title again. 'THINGS STARFLEET OFFICERS ARE NOT ALLOWED TO DO.' It must be a human thing, she decided, and continued to read the entries. One caught her eye.

31. Tribbles do not make good pets. This was proven 100 years ago. It shouldn't have to be repeated.

Kira sighed. Too true. It had taken weeks to clean up the mess after they had accidentally brought tribbles back from their impromptu trip to the past. She wondered who had told Starfleet.

32. Don't refer to the Prophets as wormhole aliens around the Kai.

She should have seen that one coming. It was good advice regardless of who held the title. The new Kai was no Opaca, but he was no Winn either. Thank the Prophets.

33. Regardless of its apparent effectiveness in preventing future visits, punching members of the Q continuum is strongly discouraged.

While it was true the God-like irritant had only visited DS9 once, Kira had to agree that hitting him probably hadn't been the smartest thing Sisko had ever done. It had been fun to watch, though. Quark had made a small fortune selling copies of the security feed.

34. Pets are not to be acquired in the Gamma quadrant.

Pets? She couldn't recall any- oh.

35. If you do acquire one, please keep it out of the main computer

Chief O'Brien hadn't been able to keep his software 'dog' off the furniture. It had been trying to 'help' again. Any one of the five engineers and computer technicians fixing the new improved replicators or the dozen odd crewmen cleaning up the mess made by those replicators could have posted that one, and the next.

36. That thing needs a leash.

OOOOOOOOOO

Miles must have made that entry, Julian decided. Then again, he supposed it could have been any engineer.

37. If you don't know what it does, don't touch it!

It could have referred to any one of a dozen incidents over the past few years. As could the one following it.

38. Anyone caught selling tickets to the escape pods will be severely punished, Quark.

_Subtle. Very subtle_. He shook his head. The Ferengi always managed to wiggle his way out of trouble somehow, but those days might be over. The doctor suspected that Captain Kira would be far less forgiving than Sisko had been. Speaking of unforgiving… He glanced at his latest patient. The Dominion War might be over, but that didn't mean the fighting had stopped. He accessed the list and made his own entry. This was one that could have and probably should have been posted within days after first contact with the species.

39. Remember, there is no such thing as a 'polite disagreement' with a Jem'Hadar.

OOOOOOOOOO

Quark heartily agreed with the latest addition. The 'polite disagreement' had taken place in his bar after all. The one about selling tickets to the escape pods was uncalled for, though. He hadn't done that in a long time, months even.

A bit farther down the list there was one that offered proof that people as far away as Earth and Starfleet Academy were contributing to the list. He felt certain he knew who was responsible for this one, and he felt a rush of pride for his nephew.

40. Narrow mindedness does not serve Starfleet officers. The Ferengi Rules of Acquisition aren't just about profit and teach more than greed.

NOT THE END


	5. Enterprise

THINGS STARFLEET OFFICERS ARE NOT ALLOWED TO DO: Enterprise

DISCLAIMER: I do not own the characters from any of the Star Trek series and I earn no profit in writing this

AUTHOR'S NOTE: Another list inspired by Skippy the list writer. I want to do one for each show with specific rules related to incidents within the show. Feel free to send any suggestions. R&R.

Jonathan Archer smiled as he made his entry. Trip was not going to like it, but there was a lesson to be learned and that was what the list was about, wasn't it? _Well, it doesn't hurt if people get a laugh out of it too_.

41. Interspecies romances are hard enough. Don't let her get you pregnant on the first date.

Yeah. Trip was definitely gonna kill him.

He didn't know who started the list, but he, for one, was thoroughly enjoying it.

OOOOOOOOOO

Trip swore under his breath, wondering who had put _that_ on this list. The doctor wouldn't have done it, and the captain had better taste than to needle him about that incident. He briefly wondered about T'Pol, but discarded the thought. She would have declared the entire list a waste of time, thoroughly illogical. So who had put it there?

He sighed and read on. The very next entry caught his eye.

42. Do not make adjustments to the ship's gravity plating without making a general announcement first. That's how broken bones happen.

Trip winced. He had gotten an earful from the captain and the doctor about that. He was sure that that one would spawn a regulation if it hadn't already. He wondered if that was part of the reason the list had been started.

43. Don't comment on the body odor of other species, at least not where they can hear you.

Always good advice. Klingons were such touchy people.

OOOOOOOOOO

T'Pol frowned at one of the more recent additions to the list. It was, she agreed, undiplomatic to comment on the body odor of others, and she was rather chagrined to be forced to wonder if this particular entry was aimed at her. The next one almost certainly was.

44. Don't rely too much on logic. It can lead to illogical conclusions and just plain silly decisions.

Commander Tucker. It had to be. She wished Trip would just drop it. _Trip?_

45. Just because you can help doesn't necessarily mean you should.

That one surprised her. That a Human would express such a notion was interesting. They were always meddling in things that a Vulcan crew would have known to let alone. The alien ship with its dead crew had set the pattern, and there had been so many others since then.

OOOOOOOOOO

46. Remember that alien species have alien customs. They don't require your approval, and most don't want your opinion.

Phlox had considered making such an entry himself, but he doubted he would have been so blunt. _Ah, well. It needed to be said_. Vulcans, Klingons, and the encounter with the Vissians had been insufficient to prove this to the Humans so far.

47. Yes. You've proven the Vulcan High Command wrong. Quit it with the time travel, already!

This entry made the doctor laugh out loud, regardless of how heartily he agreed with the sentiment. The next entry was not as amusing, but he also strongly supported it.

48. Genetic manipulation of sentient species is forbidden. How many races have to prove that it's a bad idea?

How many, indeed? The list was becoming alarmingly long. Enough browsing, though. He needed to make his own entry.

49. Do not eat any alien food not approved by the ship's doctor. Even if it is not poisonous, it may not be safe. Allergies are not predictable.

OOOOOOOOOO

The list was growing well. He had suspected that it would catch on and hoped it would grow, and indeed it had, beyond his expectations. The latest entries were proof that Starfleet's future was in good hands. He knew the stories behind many of the entries. For some, however, he decided that not knowing was preferable.

50. Alien dives and too friendly females. Don't.

He shook his head. That was a good example, and it was good advice. He keyed an entry and went back to the first. The one he had started the list with.

1. Starfleet's mission is to explore space and to learn about new cultures and civilizations. In the excitement of doing so, do not forget where you came from or your own values.

That, he felt certain would always be applicable, no matter how Starfleet grew and changed. Anonymity was important to the project and he had been careful to ensure it both for himself and for any who might wish to contribute to it. It would change people's perception of the list if they knew who had started it. He hoped his gift would be well-received and taken to heart. A signal from the intercom on his desk reminded him that he had other duties to tend to.

"Ambassador Soval? Your shuttle is ready. The ship for Vulcan will be ready to depart as soon as you are on board."

THE END


End file.
